should have (kissed you then)
by Caliente
Summary: Four times Christine Chapel didn't kiss Leonard McCoy and one (well two) time(s) she did. –– set during Star Trek, then after Into Darkness; Note: includes an updated version of the TOS episode Plato's Stepchildren


**Author's Note:** Written for janus_74 as part of the mccoy_chapel holiday exchange on lj and the prompt first kiss. Can be read as either _Into Darkness_ happened or not as no plot elements save Carol Marcus's presence and friendship with Chapel are referenced. Also, one section includes an AOS version of the TOS episode iPlato's Stepchildren/i which has some crew members being controlled by the "Platonians," so there's dubious consent for certain actions. Special thanks to Jaclyn (Jactrades) for betaing; any mistakes left are mine and mine alone. Also love to Stacey (livelovehump) for support and hand-holding. Cheers!  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> Characters mentioned are used without permission and are trademarks of CBS/Gene Roddenberry. I do not own them and am simply borrowing for my purposes. Please don't sue.

**should have (kissed you then)  
><strong>_Or: Four times Christine didn't kiss Leonard and one (well two) time(s) she did.  
><em>By Bether

**i.**

Christine Chapel always sat in the front of class. She didn't actually _enjoy_ sitting there, but she'd simply found it to be the easiest way to ensure she paid attention. And if she was going to be a Starfleet nurse assigned to a starship, she was going to need to top marks in Foundations of Xenobiology.

Which is why she never really noticed the hot guy sitting behind her until he tapped her on the shoulder after that day's lecture. "Hey, good job remembering all the Melvaran mud flea vaccine side-effects earlier." And he had a good ol' boy Southern accent, too. Perfect.

Her cheeks flushed and she smiled as she swept her PADD and stylus into her bag. "Thanks."

The guy rubbed the back of his head. "So, listen, rumor has it Dr. Phlox gives the meanest midterms this side of the Milky Way. Any interest in studying together?"

All the hope inside Christine instantly deflated. It just figured. Here was a super hot guy that sought her out… because he wanted to be _study buddies_. Yeah.

Then again, she'd heard rumors about the exams too and a study buddy could be helpful. How bad would it be to have one that was nice to look at? "Sure." She tucked some of the hair that had escaped her ponytail behind her ear. "I have another class but you can find me in the directory—Chapel, Christine."

"Great." He smiled at her and she melted just a little. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. "I'm Leonard McCoy." He offered his hand and she shook it. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Chapel."

"Christine, if you don't mind." He quirked a brow in a strangely charming way. "Don't care for the last name thing."

He nodded as he stood up. "Christine it is then. I'll comm you about getting together." With a wave, he headed off.

Christine stared after him before shaking her head. Hopefully this wasn't a humongous mistake.

* * *

><p>This was a humongous mistake. Christine flitted around her room like a hummingbird, adjusting and readjusting everything. Why had she suggested they meet there? The library would've been fine! A bit busy, maybe, but totally fine.<p>

She felt like an utter mess.

The door chimed, effectively interrupting her thoughts. She took a deep breath before crossing the room and pressing the door release.

If it was possible, Leonard was better looking than she remembered. "Hey."

Christine swallowed. "Hey." She stepped aside and gestured for him to come in. "My roommate said to use her desk and chair—she's out for the night."

Leonard dropped his things on the desk, then took a seat. "Lucky you. My roommate practically lives in our dorm." He picked up a PADD and held it out to her. "I highlighted the sections of the study guide that were giving me the most trouble; figured we could start in the places that were causing us both the most grief."

Christine was grateful for the PADD—it gave her something other than the hot guy sitting in her room to focus on. "Good idea." She took a seat in her own desk chair. "How about we start with Andorian biology?"

Leonard's answering smile made her heart stutter. Boy was it going to be a long night if that kept up.

* * *

><p>It was actually remarkably easy to focus on the subjects at hand once they began studying in earnest. Christine was always diligent with her schoolwork and today was no exception.<p>

Eventually she migrated to the bed because those desk chairs were only comfortable for a finite amount of time. Leonard followed suit not long after, moving from the desk to the floor with his back against the bed.

He was looking up at her, head tilted back, asking if they were done with this section. It was innocent enough except he was so close now and his mouth was _right there._ All she had to do to kiss him was lean down a bit. It would be so easy.

But what if he leaned away? What if he looked at her like she was crazy? It was crazy to kiss a virtual stranger, right? Regardless of how good-looking he was or how hot his accent sounded…

Ugh, she was overthinking things. (Christine was always overthinking things, to be honest.) She should just go for it

She should. Right now. Go for it.

Christine sat back and ignored the growing feeling of disappointment in her chest. "Yeah, I think we've exhausted this topic. Should we tackle the Vulcans next?"

Leonard snapped the books shut. "Actually, it's starting to get kind of late. Maybe we should break for the night?" Even though it was framed like a question, he was already starting to gather his things.

The disappointment continued to grow but Christine ignored it. Instead she slid off her bed and stood up. "Okay. Same time tomorrow?"

"Sure." Leonard smiled and her stomach flipped. "See you tomorrow, Christine."

She followed him to the door and waved. "Good-night, Leonard." After the door swished shut, she walked back to her bed and flopped down. At least he proved to be a good study buddy. That was something, right?

Christine grabbed a pillow and screamed into it for a good thirty seconds. It was going to be a _long_ semester.

…

**ii.**

Christine couldn't help frowning slightly as she watched Leonard discussing a patient chart with another nurse. It was just so _unfair_. Most men of her acquaintance were either handsome or smart but not Leonard McCoy. No, he had to be both handsome _and_ smart. Jerk.

With a small sigh, she returned to her task of sorting through patient files. It was dull clerical work and not at all what she'd wanted to do when she signed up to work in the trauma ward at Starfleet Medical but at least it kept her busy. Christine chanced a glance at Leonard again and suppressed another sigh—when she wasn't being distracted by coworkers, that was.

Honestly, it wasn't even him she was annoyed with. She wanted so badly to be brave, to take a chance, but every time an opportunity arose, she talked herself out of it. (Christine was, unfortunately, particularly gifted at that.)

Now too much time had passed. They were firmly planted in the friends zone. Except what she felt when he smiled at her wasn't really _friendly_ at all.

"Christine!"

Speak of the devil. She looked up to find Leonard now standing in front of her. "Yes, Doctor McCoy?"

He looked harried as he ran a hand through his hair. "I need help with a _particularly_ annoying patient…"

She smirked a little. "You sweet talker, you," she replied dryly. "What do you need?"

"Patient history." He held out a PADD to her.

Christine accepted it and nodded. "Right away, Doctor."

And there was that smile. That damn, delicious, butter-don't-melt-in-my-mouth smile. "You're a peach."

See, right there. It was too much! Could she really be blamed if she jumped him? (Granted, friends didn't do that much in her experience, but Christine was willing to make an exception. Seriously, he was right here, practically asking for it with the way he casually leaned against the nurses station.)

"Leonard!" A pretty blonde woman in a lab coat waved at him with a coy smile and he was already making tracks.

Christine ignored the urge she had to chuck the PADD at the woman's smiling face, instead heading for the patient's bed. It was the safer choice. And if the bitter taste of regret seemed stuck in her mouth, well, that was just the way of things. It'd fade soon enough.

…

**iii.**

Leonard was like a bull in a china shop when he stomped over to where Christine was taking the inventory. "Are we in high school or on a spaceship?"

Since the _Enterprise_ was three months into its five year mission, she assumed this was a rhetorical question. "Why do you ask?"

"Nothing. Just—_Jim._" His voice was practically a growl when he spoke the name.

Christine smothered a laugh. "Okay?"

Running a hand through his hair, Leonard let out a long-suffering sigh. "Never mind, it's stupid."

"Go easy on him; it's not easy having a crush." She knew that better than most.

Leonard quirked his brow in that signature way that gave Christine all manner of bad thoughts.

She rolled her eyes in response. "Come _on_, it's so obvious even Scotty's noticed." And that man never noticed anything that wasn't food or engineering related. No, the only one who remained clueless was Carol herself. (Not for lack of trying on Christine's part but for whatever reason her friend seemed blind to the captain's interest.)

Massaging the bridge of his nose, it was obvious Leonard had a headache coming on. (Was it bad she noticed things like that? Christine was pretty sure she couldn't read her previous boss so well; then again, that hadn't been on a spaceship and they gave new meaning to the term "close quarters" in her opinion.) "He wants to do a group _thing_ to feel out her interest level."

"Like what?" They were, as previously mentioned, on a spaceship—not a lot to work with here.

Leonard shrugged. "Movie night was my suggestion."

It wasn't an awful suggestion but… "Doesn't really encourage talking and getting to know each other," she pointed out.

He gave her the Look, the one that meant Jim Kirk was involved. "I'm thinking that's not such a bad thing."

Christine shook her head. "You're too hard on him; Captain Kirk's a catch." One she, herself, would throw back but that didn't make her statement any less true.

Leonard grunted.

Shaking her head again, she laughed. "He _is._ What about a dinner party? You, me, Spock and Nyota, Jim and Carol."

Why couldn't she ever think before she spoke? Christine tried but she couldn't think of a way to explain without making it a _thing_. And she really hadn't meant it to be a _thing_. But he'd asked her because Carol was her friend, which meant her presence would make things more comfortable and less obvious, right? Besides, dinner parties required at least a few people otherwise it was just a date. But since the other two couples actually were (or at least wanted to be) couples, it defaulted like she was _his_ date and that wasn't what she'd meant at all!

Not that Leonard even noticed. No, they'd been friends and colleagues for such a long time now that it didn't even register to him. He was just rubbing his chin innocently and nodding absentmindedly. "That might work. We could do it in my quarters—neutral territory."

Less formal than the captain's mess and more intimate than the regular mess—it made sense. The fact that Christine did not feel that Leonard's quarters were neutral territory was neither here nor there. "Sure. Pick a date with the others and I'll invite Carol." She forced a smile. "It'll be fun."

Leonard snorted. "You look like you believe that about as much as I do."

She flicked his arm with the back of her hand but didn't bother answering—she didn't know how to without admitting that he was right. Christine really wasn't looking forward to hanging around with a couple, a burgeoning couple (because Jim Kirk _was_ a catch and Carol Marcus was only human) and the man she had a hopeless crush on. She didn't know why she'd even suggested it, except that she liked Jim well enough and thought the world of Carol and wanted to be helpful if possible.

Maybe she should see the 'ship shrink about her people-pleasing tendencies. They were starting to get out of control.

* * *

><p>Surprisingly the dinner party went off without a hitch. Leonard's quarters were large enough to be comfortable for six and despite the occasional frosty moment between him and Spock, conversation flowed smoothly. The Klingons didn't even attack halfway through like Christine had been half-expecting. (Honestly, it seemed like something always happened to interrupt things whenever they were going well.)<p>

Carol and Jim seemed to hit it off (now that she actually noticed his attentions) and she even accepted his offer to walk her back to her quarters. It was sweet. Nyota and Spock left a few minutes after, which meant Christine and Leonard were now alone in his quarters. She was helping him pick up, since it had technically been her idea.

She handed him the last of the plates to put in the recycling unit, then Leonard surprised her. "Night cap?" He produced a bottle of what looked like whiskey seemingly from nowhere.

"Um…" It wasn't that Christine didn't want to (she actually wanted to quite a bit), it was just that she'd already had a couple of glasses of wine and mixing liquors had a way of removing her internal filter. Add to that her handsome boss and his empty quarters—it was too much. (Part of her was still tempted.) "I shouldn't. Early shift tomorrow." That was at least true, even if it was a flimsy excuse at best.

Leonard nodded, putting down the bottle. He walked her to the door like the gentleman he could be when he wanted to. "Good-night, Christine."

He was close—close enough that she could smell the dinner they'd just eaten and a hint of something beneath it, maybe his shampoo. And it would have been so easy to just step onto her tip-toes and give him a quick kiss good-night. Nothing fancy. Just a peck. Even on the cheek.

But Christine didn't do that. Instead she ducked her head slightly and nodded. "Good-night, Leonard. And thanks again for hosting—I know Carol had a great time."

"Hope she's not the only one," he replied.

Christine smiled a little, looking at him again. "She's not." She waved at him as she walked away. It might not have been the good-bye she wanted but it'd still been a good night overall. Yeah. (She almost believed herself, too.)

…

**iv.**

It was decidedly unnerving, seeing Leonard so playful. He was sitting on a biobed as Christine scanned him, legs swinging back and forth. It was the grin on his face she found the most distracting, though. It was so open; she didn't think she'd ever seen such an easy expression on his face. (Which was actually kind of sad.)

Her scanner beeped at her. "Looks like you've got a mild concussion to go with your abrasions," she told him.

Leonard just shrugged, still smiling widely.

Christine rolled her eyes. "Nurse Tamia, prepare the standard hypospray, please." She picked up a dermal regenerator. "I'm just going to heal these cuts, okay?"

It was a little eerie watching Leonard watch her work but she was the consummate professional. Until he spoke up, "No kiss to make it all better?"

Christine's hand almost faltered, which would have been embarrassing but at least not scarring or life-endangering. For a fleeting moment she felt utterly transparent. Then he started whistling off-key and she realized he had no idea what the hell he was talking about. "You know," she replied as she finished healing his face, "I generally _don't_ kiss people with head injuries."

Tamia handed Christine the hypo she'd requested, while Leonard pouted. It was really unfair of him to bring up kissing considering how kissable pouting made his lips look. "This won't hurt a bit," she promised in her Comforting Nurse voice as she injected him with the medicine.

Instantly Leonard's eyes began to droop. He laid back and was snoring less than a minute later. Christine hovered for a moment, rechecking his stats. Then she walked away. Because if she didn't walk away right then, she was going to be tempted to do something stupid like ruffle his hair or kiss one of the pinkish patches of newly grown skin on his forehead. And, obviously, that wouldn't do.

She went back to work and, thankfully, when Leonard awoke twelve hours later he seemed to have no memory of the incident. (Christine, on the other hand, had too vivid a memory of the incident but, like so many feelings and thoughts related to Leonard McCoy, it was quickly buried.)

…

**v.**

Christine felt like she was in a nightmare. She was seated beside Leonard, watching these so-called Platonians toy with the _Enterprise _crew members as if they were puppets. "Why are you doing this?" she asked the leader, Parmen.

"It is to entertain," he said as if that were an adequate explanation. As if that made it alright to use their mental powers to violate peoples bodies and minds.

Leonard glared. "There's _nothing_ entertaining about this-this _abomination._"

Parmen frowned. "Perhaps it is a fight you would prefer?"

"No!" Christine looked at Leonard, eyes wide with desperation. She didn't know what to do. What she did know was that these people wanted to keep the two of them there to care for them and that gave them just the tiniest bit of leverage. "No, please don't do that. We-we abhor violence. We're healers."

Leonard gave her hand a squeeze.

Unfortunately, Parmen's wife Philana saw. "You are lovers."

Christine's jaw dropped and her face flushed. "_What?_ Of course not! We're colleagues." But even as she spoke, she felt the all too familiar feeling of not being in control of her own faculties. "No… it's happening again…" Apparently she'd overestimated their leverage.

"To me too," Leonard grunted. They were facing each other now. "I don't—" His lips were a hair's breadth away. "Christine, I'm sorry."

It was strange. After wondering for so long, imagining this moment a hundred times, that reality would be so awful. But here in this place, being forced into a pantomime of affection, it was just about the most humiliated Christine had ever been. She felt so small, so _insignificant._ There were tears in her eyes when suddenly the pushing stopped.

Immediately Christine and Leonard broke apart. She couldn't look at him. Instead, she looked at Spock who was standing with a hand out in a commanding manner. "We will be leaving now."

Parmen's expression was haughty as he looked at Spock. "It appears I cannot stop you."

"You cannot," Spock agreed.

Parmen crossed his arms. "To leave us here as we were, this is your punishment?"

There was a brief pause before Spock spoke again: "The measure of a man is what he does with power."

"You would quote Plato to me?" Parmen asked incredulously.

"I shall assume your question is rhetorical as that is what happened." Spock flipped open his communicator. "Spock to _Enterprise_. Please beam up all personnel, plus one on my mark." He looked at Parmen again. "Alexander has asked for asylum; he will be leaving with us." He lifted his communicator again. "Energize."

As the world around them evaporated, Christine couldn't help but wish Spocks abilities had kicked in a few minutes earlier.

* * *

><p>The door chimed and Christine put aside the novel she'd been failing to read. "Come in."<p>

Leonard stepped inside looking about as uncomfortable as she'd ever seen. Normally her nurse instincts would kick in and she'd try to help but right then she wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. Since that wasn't an option, she simply put down the PADD and waited for him to say his piece.

"Right. So I wanted to—" He shook his head. "I mean, what happened down on Platonius…"

He seemed a little stuck but Christine caught his meaning all the same. "It wasn't your fault. Those people—" she grimaced. "I think they saw us like the lab rats of old science." Except that they, unlike the lab rats, knew exactly what was happening to them. She played with the edge of her top in a rare sign of discomfort.

"So…" he looked around as if a bit lost on how to continue, "those your pajamas?"

Christine shot him a strange look. "What?" He'd never really asked about such things before.

Leonard sighed. "I just want to make this okay."

She couldn't fault him his honesty. Didn't change the facts, though. "I don't think you can. We were violated," her hands shook a bit when she spoke the word and she pressed them against her thighs to mask it, "and that's going to take time to get over."

"I know. Doesn't mean I won't keep trying, though." He smiled a little and she found herself returning the expression. "Well, I'll let you get back to it."

Christine nodded. "Okay. Good-night, Leonard."

"Good-night, Christine." He waved as he exited, the doors swishing shut behind him.

And even though the whole experience was still incredibly humiliating to think about, Christine thought it would be okay. If not today or tomorrow, then _someday._ Someday it (and they) would be okay. And maybe that would be enough.

* * *

><p>Leonard was sitting at his desk when Christine brought in several reports for him to sign off on the following morning. "Starfleet wants these by the end of the week," she told him.<p>

"Christine, wait." Leonard gestured to the seat across from him desk. "Please sit for a moment, there's something I wanted to tell you." She did as instructed, crossing her legs and trying not to fiddle with the hem of her skirted uniform. "I feel like it's all my fault." Christine blinked. "What happened on Platonius."

She furrowed her brow. "Because you gave my hand a squeeze? Leonard, come on. We both know those people did the same and worse to the others without any provocation. I appreciated your show of support. Neither of us could have known what would happen from one little gesture."

He ran a hand through his hair, agitated. "I know, I know. It's just—the way Philana looked at us, I could tell she knew."

Her heart leapt into her throat. Christine was frozen. "Knew?" If he said anything about her crush on him, she was putting in for a transfer.

"I would have cracked," Leonard admitted. "Parmen tortured and humiliated Hendorff, Sulu, Spock and Uhura, to say nothing of what was done to their poor slave, Alexander. It was loathsome to watch but I could abide my orders. What I couldn't abide was seeing you suffer. I would have caved to their every demand to keep you safe."

Christine stared at him, uncomprehending. "I don't know what you want me to say," she admitted when the weight of the silence was too much.

Leonard shook his head. "Nothing—you don't have to say anything. Just… forgive me."

But her brain was stuck on his confession. What made her different than the others? Was it that she'd known Leonard longer? That he was her commanding officer? Did he somehow see her as weaker or in more need of protection than the others? Or was it something else entirely?

And she had two choices. She could do what she'd always done—bury her head in the sand, brush it off, pretend everything was fine—or she could do something different.

An old saying popped into her mind: _If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten._ Christine didn't _want_ what she'd always gotten. She was tired of it.

So she did something different. "You want me to forgive you for caring for me?" The look she was giving him said just how crazy she thought that idea was.

Leonard's ears turned an interesting color red as he avoided her gaze. "That's… one way of looking at things, I suppose."

She put her hand on one of his, which was resting on the desk. "Look, I care for you, too." She laughed a little. "Sometimes, I think, maybe a little too much…" And even though it was terrifying to say, part of her felt free for having spoken the words.

His head snapped up so fast she thought he might've given himself whiplash. "What?"

Christine shrugged. "I'm just saying, if our roles had been reversed, I wouldn't have been able to abide seeing you hurt, either." She gave his hand a squeeze. "So don't feel bad."

"I don't," Leonard admitted, looking a bit dazed. He turned his hand to grasp hers. "I feel like asking you to dinner."

Her face warmed and she smiled a little. "So ask already."

"Christine Chapel, would you join me for dinner in my quarters tonight at eighteen-hundred?"

"In your quarters seems a bit presumptuous…" He shot her a sad puppy look and she laughed. "I'm only kidding. I'll be there with bells on."

"Don't require bells…" Leonard smirked, "although I wouldn't mind seeing you in that dress you wore to the dinner party we had a while back if you want to dust it off."

Christine returned his smirk with one of her own. "We'll see." She gave his hand one final squeeze, then made a strategic retreat. They were still on shift, after all.

* * *

><p>After a lovely dinner, Christine and Leonard had gone to the couch to relax. Currently Leonard was rubbing her feet while they asked each other questions. "Okay, I have one," she decided, "why didn't you tell me about your feelings last night in my quarters?"<p>

Leonard shrugged. "Chicked out. Seeing you in your nightclothes didn't help, either."

Considering Christine had been wearing an old Starfleet Academy t-shirt and shorts, she didn't quite see the appeal. But to each their own. "Your turn."

"When was the first time you thought of me as something other than a colleague?" he asked after a moment of thoughtful silence.

Her cheeks warmed. "Well, if you want to get technical, I thought you were hot the first day I met you."

Leonard grinned, obviously quite pleased with himself. "Been pining away for me for years, hm?"

She shoved his shoulder. "Not _pining_, no. Just… every so often, I'd be struck." Her face was burning, she was sure. "I probably almost kissed you a dozen times, including that first night we studied in my dorm room."

The corner of his mouth tipped up. "I forgot about that. Your roommate, she—"

Christine shook her head. It'd been awful, how many people died during the _Narada_ incident. She steered them back to safer topics. "That was two questions, mister! My turn. When did you first think of me as something other than a colleague?" She deliberately stole his phrasing, eyebrow cocked in a poor imitation of his signature look.

He laughed a little. "I'd love to say it was that first night in the dorm but as you're well aware I can be rather dense from time to time." It was her turn to laugh but she gestured for him to continue all the same. "Actually, it was after that dinner party, you know the one where Jim and Carol got together. The two of us sort of defaulted as the last couple standing and I realized I liked it—that I liked _you._ I was pretty disappointed you didn't accept my offer of a nightcap."

Christine leaned against the couch and sighed. "Me, too." Her face dropped a little. "Then our first kiss wouldn't have been—"

"Hey." Leonard caught her chin with one of his hands. "We'll have lots of first kisses to replace that one with."

She looked at him a bit dubiously. "Oh really?"

He was smiling. "Sure. Our first good-night kiss, our first make-up kiss, our first lounging on the couch talking kiss…"

Christine leaned forward, pulling her feet from his lap to readjust her position. "Was that a hint?"

"Only a suggestion," he countered easily, free hand moving to her waist.

She hovered over him for a moment, smiling. "Sounds like a good one to me." Then she leaned down and took that first lounging on the couch talking kiss. It was soft, sweet and most of all _voluntary._ And while it didn't erase what happened on Platonius, it _did_ ease some of that hurt.

Wrapping her arms around Leonard's neck to draw him closer, Christine smiled against his lips. Enough thinking. Now was the time for doing.

* * *

><p><strong>End Notes: <strong>In my headcanon the "pretty blonde woman in a lab coat" in section ii is Elizabeth Dehner who, according to the _Star Trek_ comic, did not come aboard the _Enterprise_ because of a failed relationship with McCoy.

The quote "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten" from section v is from either (or both) Tony Robbins or Henry Ford.

I have a lot more backstory for certain things worked out (what's up with Chapel meeting McCoy in class not at work? how is Chapel being there after she was elsewhere for STXII canon compliant? what happened with Kirk and Carol after the dinner? why isn't Kirk on the Platonius away mission and why are others there instead? etc.) that I will happily share if anyone cares but this note is plenty long as is.


End file.
